This is a question I wish I had asked much sooner in my own business journey. My background before I set up Open Skies Hypnotherapy in 2023 had been modelled on people pleasing, leaving me unfulfilled, frustrated and drifting through life rather than shaping it into something beautiful.
A victim of childhood bullying, and with a home life that could at times be confusing for a young person, I found it easier to be quiet, to keep the peace so I would be left alone. This led to several unhealthy relationships which damaged me further.
When I started my business, I was riddled with imposter syndrome, as all the old narratives I had internalised over the years reared their heads, telling me I was no good at being a therapist, people could find someone much better than me, and actually wasn’t I just ripping them off by pretending to be an expert? You’re nobody, my inner voice jeered. It was the hardest voice I have ever had to confront, as it threatened to destroy my true passion – helping others.
The nature of being a therapist means that to some extent I was bound to be a people pleaser. I wanted client to experience profound movement and shifts in their thought patterns, I wanted to see them living new, improved lives and of course, this was my means of validation when I felt unable to achieve this for myself. The truth is, therapy doesn’t work like that. At least, not often. More likely is a series of sessions where I don’t even know if the client has experienced anything significant or helpful. Sometimes, the learning and shift in behaviour can take many weeks and there is no marked change at any one session – the effect of therapy is accumulative, not instant.
I wondered if I was up to the job, whether I should drop my prices, and whether people were talking about me behind my back and laughing at this new kid on the block. I dropped my prices to levels that were causing the business to lose money when it should have been starting to grow. I was working for next to nothing, holding trauma for my clients whilst becoming exhausted myself as I had to take on more and more work just to break even. Something had to change.
In therapy, I talk a lot about confronting our narratives. This means we must first be aware of them, and where they come from. Who made you feel you should please others? This is a personality driver we learn as a child, which then forms part of our life script as we move into adulthood. How did you learn this message?
The child who has their personality shaped in this way is not a free child but is an adapted child, i.e. they are shaped by their environment and they must adapt to that environment in order to survive. Here’s the thing: You are not in that environment anymore. You are a grown up now.
In my room I work a lot with inner child regression, where I take clients back to points in their childhood where these messages were strongest. I ask the client to go back and tell their inner child, “Look, I’ve got you, it’s OK. I made it and I’m a fully functioning adult. I’ve got a business of my own now. I’m making a go of it.” The child part of us is still scared and broken by the messages it heard in childhood and crucially, it does not know that we are now well-formed adults. I ask clients to tell their child part, “I am here to take care of you now, you don’t need to worry about anything or anyone. I am going to look after you.” When we bring that learning back with us into the present, there is often a huge sense of release. Of course, the work is heavier and more complicated than this and must only be carried out by a qualified professional, but I hope just reading this and thinking about how it might feel to carry out such an exercise has given you an idea of what is possible.
In terms of my business, I also found it helpful to look at what other therapists were charging and what they offered, and to then work out why I felt I could not charge the same. I have found time and again that there are very few favours in business. If you can’t afford a service, you tend not to get it. Everyone has to make a living and by devaluing yourself, you send a message to your potential customers that perhaps you might not be very good. What stated out as price-cutting to try to help people, has backfired spectacularly as they now think you are second rate compared to those who charge a higher fee.
Part of stopping the cycle of people pleasing in your business is therefore setting boundaries and sticking to them. This feels alien to a people pleaser, yet I also know how frustrated I felt when I thought people were taking advantage – even though I was allowing it to happen. This is classic self-sabotage and it is extremely common for us people pleasers. To set boundaries I tried things like:-
- Making clear that the session would not run over if people arrived late.
- Setting out my fees clearly on the website and in my terms of business.
- Making clear on the website that weekly appointments are essential for safety and monitoring and this would not be negotiable unless we were nearing the end of the therapy and all heavy work had been carried out.
- Setting out my cancellation policy – if less than 24 hours notice the fee will be forfeited.
I wrote all this rather than having to say it, which helped. Yet I still found myself caving in when clients cancelled at short notice and expected their fee to be returned. I also found myself replying to messages in the middle of the night and making myself a 24 hour emergency service rather than a private therapist with other commitments outside of work.
It took me some time to fully push back, but I think I’m finally there! If you’d like to join my forthcoming workshops to find out more about how to stop people pleasing and grow your business in the way it deserves, please keep an eye on my Facebook page at Open Skies Hypnotherapy for updates. If you can attend my book launch on 25th September LIVE on Zoom, you’re also eligible for a big saving on the workshop fee!
