Like many others, I was looking forward to the John Lewis Christmas advert again this year. It has become as much of a tradition as turkey and tinsel, and the anticipation is akin to that feeling of barely contained excitement when Christmas Day has almost arrived.
This year, once again, I cried as the advert filled my TV screen. Perhaps more than any other year, this year’s advert really tugged at my heart.
In my work as a therapist, I help many people from all walks of life. My work is hugely varied, but the one thing that has always stood out for me is the dynamics between parents and children. Time and again, I hear from children (sometimes adult children) who tell me they are in therapy because of their parents. On the other side of the coin, I see parents who are deeply hurt by what they see as being overlooked or taken for granted by their kids.
Maintaining a connection is not always easy, perhaps especially for men – which is why my heart was warmed by the John Lewis advert as it chronicles the difficulties men face in “finding the words”. I watched with tears rolling down my face as I tried to understand my own emotions. For me, the advert brought up themes of getting older, and the joy when we find our way briefly back to our younger days through music. I was reminded of the feeling I had when Oasis reformed this year – a feeling I still can’t quite put into words. Perhaps it’s bigger than words. Maybe that’s the whole point – the son wanted to speak to his Dad’s heart in a way that he couldn’t articulate, but he knew that a certain piece of music would say everything he couldn’t.
The scene where father and son face each other across an empty club elicited a full-on sob from me, as I thought of my own daughter. I wondered, what would happen if everything stopped and it was just us? How often do we get that luxury? Perhaps more to the point, when we do get alone time, do we use it to truly connect? Would we even know how?
I’ve always had a dim view of gifts. I see people who have had very privileged upbringings, and they are broken. They tell me they were emotionally starved as children. They never felt a connection to their parents and instead felt their parents tried to buy their affection rather than investing time and effort into the relationship.
John Lewis have made me stop and reassess my thought pattern. How much did the record cost that the son gave to his Dad? Probably not a huge amount at all. And yet, it said so many things that the son and his Dad didn’t know how to voice out loud. The reconnection was so wholesome and complete – the hug at the end of the advert eliciting a sense that each man had found his way back to the other.
So, this Christmas, don’t go mad on the gifts. Remember it’s about emotional connection, not material overexuberance. Put your thinking cap on and find that one present. As Oasis put it, “There are many things that I would like to say to you, but I don’t know how”. If you can’t find the words, find the gift.
Whether it’s a present that says everything, or a simple gesture that you know will mean the world to them – it’s about the receiver of the gift feeling you know and understand them. That is the greatest gift of all.
Have a Christmas of connection – not perfection. It’s what we all need more of .
