Instant gratification? The world has changed in recent years, and not for the better. The ever-increasing advances in technology have made it easy to get what we want at the touch of a button, with delivery straight to our door in 24 hours or less.
High speed trains, takeaways, being constantly linked to each other by Zoom, WhatsApp, FaceTime, the easy availability of loans and credit cards. We can contact each other immediately, take a journey whenever we want, get that loan for a new car or holiday into our bank in minutes, and shop online until we run out of funds or feel guilty for buying things we don’t even need.
This is the world of instant gratification. Want it? Got it. But how does this fit with therapy?
I’m sure I’m not the only therapist who has had clients walk into my room demanding to be “fixed”. They say things like, “I just want to stop doing….”. As though I can wave a wand like Harry Potter, shout “Expelliarmus!” and boom, the work is done.
If I had those powers, I’d also have a queue forming round the block to come and see me.
I feel it’s really important to explain how therapy works and why it can take a number of sessions to see results. I can counteract this by saying that some clients achieve significant movement in just a few sessions, however this is very much dependent on each individual and cannot be used as a benchmark for every client.
Therapy is an important process and one which has to be treated with respect. When I first meet a client, I don’t want to go rushing in, asking what’s wrong and how I can fix it. Can you think of anything more off-putting?
Here you are, in my room, feeling apprehensive and perhaps on edge. You may never have seen a therapist before. You are unsure what is going to happen, what I might say, what I might think. You may have spent your whole life feeling unheard, and now you have a voice, and that’s scary. What on earth are you going to say?
All these thoughts, running through your head. It’s overwhelming. And then I open my mouth and start firing off questions and trying to offer you a quick fix. The damage of that approach cannot be underestimated. It is simply not the approach of a competent therapist.
So, my sessions work very differently. When working with vulnerable clients, it is absolutely vital that I work at their pace. After all, this is your session, not mine. I am led by you. That means that sometimes I have to wait for the information to be given to me, by my client, when they feel safe to do so. These people may have never felt safe in their lives, so who am I to expect them to feel safe with me in five minutes? That’s some ego right there! They feel safe in their own time, whatever that looks like.
I do not judge, I accept. And I allow you space and time to tell me whatever you need or want to. I help you to rediscover your voice and learn how to use it again, however long that might take.
And this is where the problem lies. Because some people think therapy is like buying a car. I’ll have that model, in that colour, and I’ll drive it away now please. They think that if therapists take their time and work at the pace as directed by their client, that we are trying to fleece you, we are dragging the process out to make as much money as we can. I see these comments on social media and elsewhere and it drives me mad.
This process is so important. Most people come to me at rock bottom. They have suffered unimaginable trauma, and the common thread is this: an overwhelming lack of self-esteem and self-worth. If I shout them down, and push too hard, too soon, it reinforces a narrative that they are not worth listening too, that they are still not being heard. If I tell them, yes, I’ll fix you in one session, then I am telling them a lie. And they are worth so much more than that.
The narrative of instant gratification seems to be that if we are not constantly at the top of our game, we have failed. Feeling a bit out of sorts? You’ll be grand, just get a session with a therapist and you’ll be fixed in no time. Quick now, we don’t have all day. You can’t fall apart. One session should cut it. And if it doesn’t, you feel even worse. Just read that again. No wonder we are all on burnout and feeling so ill.
Instant gratification has no place in my therapy room. Give yourself the time and space you deserve, and let’s measure this not by the length of the journey, but by the outcome at the other end.
As a final word, if the pressures of our fast-paced, instant gratification society have left you feeling overwhelmed or anxious, do contact me for a discussion about how I can help. Instant gratification tends to lead to long-term pain. I can help you learn a different mindset.
